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Tuesday, October 11, 2016

" So Take That", life.


We've been settling more into our new place. Exploring little towns nearby, & finding new hikes. Fall in Colorado is a sea of color.  Reds, oranges, & yellows everywhere I look.  Love it! With this new start here, the one I desired to have a clean slate in, there's been some pain. Some stuff has come up, a lot of stuff un-dealt with. Marriage is hard, life is hard, & sometimes I don't get it at all.  I guess starting somewhere new is never easy, & it doesn't always play out like in your head.  It can still be awesome, just a different awesome than I envisioned.

I don't always handle pain, or stress the right way.  My old go-to remedy is to be self-destructive.  Not good, I know.  So I had a brief relapse of some of my eating issues, but am not going to stay in it.  I don't want to spend my life with my head in a toilet bowl.  So I am fighting the crazy in my head.  The last couple days I've been winning.

Yesterday I was driving around listening to music & thinking.  I was thinking the last few years, I've been getting better at being a truth teller.  What I mean is that I've been speaking my truth about who I am, & my struggles, & my many mistakes.  Not pretending all areas of my life are together.  I think so many people hide.  They don't want to show who they really are, or be vulnerable to others.  It's hard.  I still struggle with the whole thing, but I don't want to pretend at all anymore.  If you don't put your self out there, you aren't real.  I want to be real.  If that means telling people I've struggled with depression a lot of my life, that I have fucked my life up more times than not, & am working through eating disorder issues then thats what it means & I will have handle whatever reaction I get.  Being able to be who I am, & not apologize for it, is more important to me now.  Even if it means risking rejection.  

Tuesday, October 4, 2016


My head is in a sad place today, so I'm trying to trudge through the muck.  You know how you think your life is going pretty good, but then someone drops a little information bomb on your lap, & suddenly you see things in your present & the past with different eyes?  Anyway, without hashing out the whole mess...I'll just say, it sucks, & I'm trying to navigate through.

So with that, & my general melancholy, I feel a little bit like I don't want to pursue anything right now.  Like I'm in mud or quicksand & don't know how to pull my feet out, & which way to go.  I was possibly going to look for a job out here, in my new digs soon, but I feel the last few days like "what's the point"?  I'm back in a place where I have to figure shit out in my life again, find a purpose.

Well, that was uplifting. I'm reading that over(which isn't half of what's swimming in my head) & am thinking I sound like a real downer...ha ha. Whatever, just letting some of it trickle to the surface.  I've never been good at being fake.

I scribbled/collaged this girl yesterday.  That's about all I've done creatively lately, I guess it's a start though :)  My list of to-do's this morning are to run on the trail, & then go to the art store, & get some supplies.  I don't want to, I kind of want to mope.  But I know I'll feel better if I get out & do something.

My folks & brother just came to visit for a few days. We took them all over, to Rocky Mountain National Park, to Boulder, & the town of Golden.  Good visit, I think they had fun.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Everyone Is A Twig & Other Revelations

I really love the outdoorsy exercise vibe I feel here in Colorado so far.  I also like that I am far away from the Southern California thing....I have yet to see one set of puffy injected lips.  Ha ha.  I've been getting out on the trails & road a bit, trying to work my lungs back up just to be able to run a few miles without huffing & puffing.  I didn't think I would feel the elevation like I do.  

Anyway, but the people who exercise here, are SO into exercise. Most of them seem to be training for triathlons round the clock.  I've heard this area is somewhat of a mecca for training...seems to be true.  But I am always me, can't escape it.  Out on the trails looking at everyone whizzing by me with their 3% body fat.  Me running, wheezing, & feeling my stomach jiggle. Telling myself not to compare, because I know it robs every bit of my joy.  

What do I do with these feelings?  I was thinking the other day that growing up(yes, I know I'm in my 40's), aging & liking myself, & accepting my body are my battle.  Sometimes it seems like every minute of every day, I am fighting the old self destructive thoughts.  But some days are better, I am able to show myself some grace. Anyway, will shift gears now, before I go down a rabbit hole.

We have been painting constantly, in the house.  The interior was painted every color under the sun. While I admire the previous owners for being ballsy with their color choices, I'm not sure if I need to have my entire living room Peacock Blue.  Oh, & the joys of buying an older house...we have asbestos in our ceiling downstairs which apparently requires the full monty in eradication methods(not to mention the 8K). We have been debating what to do with that whole mess. The current thought is to leave the popcorn ceiling, save the money...hey we all lived with it in the 70's. So a lot of projects inside have kept me from setting up my art space yet.  I unpacked & hung up a couple of my paintings on the weekend, I think I will go at it full force when some of these other house things we need to get done are checked off the list. Then I will feel more settled & into setting up my creative space.

Boulder Reservoir(like the sock choice?)