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Friday, January 22, 2016

Long Weekend=My Favorite Things

I was loving the long weekend for Martin Luther King Day last week.  So glad I was able to pack in 3 of my favorite things.  I made some art, went on a run, & got out on a hike.  This is the painting I did over those days.  I was kind of experimenting with a darker skin tone.  

A few hiking/outdoorsy shots now...

Harding Trail in Modjeska Canyon
It's a 10 mile trail, we just did 3 with the kids.
Pine crest Park. On the hunt, out geocaching.
Found it. Kind of like finding buried treasure :)
Interesting looking mushroom

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

41 to 65

Latest obsession, my hands & how they've morphed from looking like they belong to someone in her early 40's to retirement home lady, almost overnight (oh & the eyelids are going too).

When I look at my hands, when I'm using them to work or write, & they look so much different now, all my little fears & bad thoughts pop up in my head about getting older. I have to push them down, & tell myself not to obsess on it. I know it comes off as vain or ridiculous to let these things that are natural, like aging, have so much power over me, but I don't know how to stop the thoughts. I wish I could make them go away.

This is going to be a battle for me, because I feel like I'm already struggling with it a lot in my head, & quite honestly I don't look forward to the future.  Most of my life, I had no value for myself.  I didn't think I mattered. The thing I learned to value was looking good(or trying to). It was never about feeling good.  It was about people thinking I was pretty, even though I've never really felt it.

So if that is all you think you are good for, & all you think most other people liked you for, losing that is so scary.  I am honestly so jacked up in this little head of mine.  I've got all these things swirling around constantly, the old eating disorder thoughts are always still there, but just as I think I've got a handle on them somewhat, this crazy getting older thing brings a whole set of new things to pick myself apart about.

The part I really hate, is that I spend so much time in the present thinking about how I wish I was 10 years younger, that I am wasting this time where I am right now in life.  

Anyway, a few thoughts on things I am continually trying to work on here in crazy-land, & I'm thinking I may just have to start wearing gloves...even indoors :)

Speaking of hands(lame segue, I know) these are some things I've made with mine in the past couple of weeks....

Friday, January 1, 2016

Blank Pages

All in all, 2015 was a pretty good year.  I wrestled a little with what I should be doing in life, & I feel like I resolved that pretty much for now. I did some things that stretch me, & make me nervous, & I think that is always good. Also, it's been quite awhile since I've screwed up majorly & done something that I end up being mortified about. Seriously, that is progress for me!

Curious to see what 2016 will bring in my life, & my family's. I'm looking forward to more adventures, more races, & of course creating new things.

So in these blank pages ahead, here is my plan & I hope this for you out there also, if you happen to be reading... may you do things that excite you, & some things that scare the holy hell out of you too. May you spend more time doing what you love & with people you love, & less on things that don't matter. Happy 2016!