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Friday, May 13, 2016

I Like Her

A couple things I say I don't give a shit about(but really I do)....

What other people think of me, & how many friends I have.  I think I'm a little more focused on the friend thing lately, because they feel like they are dwindling.  Pretty soon I will be a lonely hermit, with only my pets to talk to.  Slight exaggeration, yes,  & I still have my husband around to talk his ear off.

I think it's been gradually changing, the friendship thing, & now I will look around & realize weeks  have gone by since the last time I really hung out with someone that I connect with.  It's partially me, partially them.  Life is busy.  I kind of miss the days of being able to sit & talk for a long while, or long walks without time limits.

I only really have a handful of people I do things with, & few that truly get me.  One of them moved away awhile back. So as I said, my numbers are down.  I was contemplating a friend recruitment day, brainstorming how one goes about making new friends.  Ha ha.  But I am picky, well maybe not picky exactly, I just know what I want, & what I don't want.  I don't want to spend time too much time with people who talk & talk & talk & hardly listen.  It's also no fun to spend time with someone who is kind of judgy or puts down the things that I like, or make me tick.  See, so it can't be just any old person! I've tried the whole be open to everyone approach, but it's turned around to bite me. I still want to be open, but as much as I try to put myself out there,  I'm a little wary of not quite clicking with someone, but they latch on to me anyway.  Hmmm, this friendship thing is hard.  No wonder I like animals better :)

So in my friendless hours(just kidding, I'm just being dramatic)....I get the chance to paint.  I have been working on this girl lately & just finished her.  A lot of times when I paint something & I'm done with it, I'm not crazy about it.  I don't quite like the way it turned out.  This girl, I like her.

Monday, May 9, 2016


Happy I got to head out & hike on Mother's Day!

I am just going to sit here & type, since I haven't in so long.  There are so many thoughts going on in my head, & I am trying to decide which avenue to trek down, or if they all can come together in some sort of convoluted web.  

Thought A:  It seems I'm finding more & more that the majority of adulthood is spent rushing from one obligation you're not thrilled about to the next.  I'm thinking, how do I do less of the stuff I am not passionate about? Because I find I haven't had too much time for the things I love, like making art & exercising lately. The easy answer I think is to simply not sign up for the stuff in the first place, & to step away from things that I'm not happy about, that fill too much of my time.  But the problem is I guilt myself into doing things I don't really want to because I think that good people volunteer, good people multi-task a million little things.  I want to be seen as productive of course, but inside I grumble.

Thought B:  My husband & I have been hoping, & praying about a big out of state move.  We both really like the Denver/Boulder are of Colorado.  So, there was this really cool job up for grabs in the Boulder area(notice I said Was?)  We've been talking about what our life would be like there, praying he would do well on the interview, & feeling led that this was the right place. The initial interview  was difficult, but he got through it well, which we took as a sign.  Then the husband-man studied morning & night for the 2nd interview, where he would have multiple problems to work out in a certain time frame.  The company flew him out there couple days ago, & I was feeling like surely this is it, because it seems so right. I was waiting all day, hoping he wasn't too nervous, hoping they asked him to work out problems that he had studied for.  Nope.  He texted me late in the afternoon saying, "Soooo, California is nice".

Here's where my thoughts kind of merge, maybe not too prettily.  I want a new life, in a new place.  I'm not naive enough to think I'm going to reinvent myself, but a fresh start void of some of my current responsibilities would be nice.  I feel done here.  So the thought of having to stay is a little depressing.  In my mind, I was halfway to Colorado living in my house surrounded by mountains & trees, with all my animals.  Now my future looks more like a continuation of the same old meetings, & chores.  So something has to change, wherever it is I end up, I need to figure out what I need to say yes to in life, & what I need to say no to.  When I say no, I want to learn how to be okay with my decision, & not worry that the other person thinks I'm lazy, or weird, or whatever(& not tell myself those things either).  Mental case, right? Working it all out in my little head.

Just a girl made from paper the other day.  Hoping for more creative time soon.