We've been settling more into our new place. Exploring little towns nearby, & finding new hikes. Fall in Colorado is a sea of color. Reds, oranges, & yellows everywhere I look. Love it! With this new start here, the one I desired to have a clean slate in, there's been some pain. Some stuff has come up, a lot of stuff un-dealt with. Marriage is hard, life is hard, & sometimes I don't get it at all. I guess starting somewhere new is never easy, & it doesn't always play out like in your head. It can still be awesome, just a different awesome than I envisioned.
I don't always handle pain, or stress the right way. My old go-to remedy is to be self-destructive. Not good, I know. So I had a brief relapse of some of my eating issues, but am not going to stay in it. I don't want to spend my life with my head in a toilet bowl. So I am fighting the crazy in my head. The last couple days I've been winning.
Yesterday I was driving around listening to music & thinking. I was thinking the last few years, I've been getting better at being a truth teller. What I mean is that I've been speaking my truth about who I am, & my struggles, & my many mistakes. Not pretending all areas of my life are together. I think so many people hide. They don't want to show who they really are, or be vulnerable to others. It's hard. I still struggle with the whole thing, but I don't want to pretend at all anymore. If you don't put your self out there, you aren't real. I want to be real. If that means telling people I've struggled with depression a lot of my life, that I have fucked my life up more times than not, & am working through eating disorder issues then thats what it means & I will have handle whatever reaction I get. Being able to be who I am, & not apologize for it, is more important to me now. Even if it means risking rejection.