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Sunday, April 12, 2015


In the car, on the way to teach at church this morning, I ran my tongue along the bottom of my teeth & noticed a jagged little piece.  "Nice" I was thinking, & picturing me smiling with a big hunk out.  I hadn't even hit my mouth, or knocked my teeth on anything, although I do grind the heck out of them when I sleep. Sure enough, looking in the mirror, a little piece is gone on the bottom of my front tooth.

Great news for the queen of self-consciousness.  I'm trying really hard not to be, working away at it. I'm already super sensitive about the dark bags under my eyes.  If I could, I'd wear sunglasses at all times & in all pictures. So today I get to church & between the circles looking like I never sleep, the notch missing from my teeth, & feeling like a stuffed sausage in my jeans, I don't even want to walk through the crowd & come in contact with anyone.

But I do walk across the foyer, I do talk to people of course.  I suck it up because it's none of my preoccupations are really important at all, thats what I tell myself to get through. When I make it through the land mines of people & come back to my class(before it's started) I let fly everything built up in my head about my bags, my teeth, & I throw in the wrinkles on my forehead I got a load of in the car window earlier. Guilty of being a volcano sometimes.... I let things build, & well, you know.  So I'm telling all this to my husband, who I'm sure is so used to it, he goes into another zone when I start up & only hears music or something in his head as I go on.  My daughter Sage is there though, soaking it in like a sponge, as I'm showering them with all the reasons I'm unhappy with myself today &  I see her look of disappointment.  Ugh... I always tell my kids that what's important is the kind of person you are, & people shouldn't be judged on their looks or weight or any of that.  Unfortunately, since I struggle with liking the outwardness of who I am, they sometimes get a mixed message.

Hmmm....hoping for better Mom moments the rest of the day!

Out on the trail with the girlies the other night.  Hoping for a short run this evening.
Out with the boy :)

Wednesday, April 8, 2015


Exploring, like we do, we found this great little Monastery in the canyon near our place.  Actually, I've passed the little sign along the mountain road so many times, as I was on my way to this thing or that, & told myself I would go up there someday.  It's Spring Break this week, so off we went to the Ramakhrishna's place.

They are on the top of a small mountain that has the most awesome view, & there are trails out there....lots of trails, ones I've never traveled. Their little gardens rows with their organic vegetables are pretty, & make me want for a simple life like that. Land, open space, peace.

My brain is screwy sometimes.  I know it, it's okay.  My thoughts often feel like they're at war with themselves.  I just feel like everything is going to be alright,  & I can breathe more when I am out in the wide open beauty of it all.  Anyway, so now I have to go back!

I did this little Acrylic painting above last week.  I hated it at first.  I kept working it & think it kind of turned out pretty now.  Yesterday, sick of painting & not wanting to do the whole messy paper clay thing, I got out a hoop & did some embroidery.  I came up with this girl below.