Year End

Christmas was pretty calm & peaceful.  We had absolutely no place to go this year.  So the kids got to tinker with their new toys all day, which was nice.  I say this every year, but it's always over so fast!  Now we are headed towards the New Year in a couple days.  I've been thinking about what things I want more of, & what things I want less of in my life for 2017.  What things I want to try(weaving on a loom, hiking the high peaks around here). Which races I'd like to sign up for.  Much thinking.

In this new year I hope to continue to seek out cool people whom I can connect with.  I know I'm not good at shallow friendships, it's such a waste to me.  I just want to be with people more & more who are okay with putting themselves out there.  It's a little discouraging when you share deep things with people & it's not reciprocated.  Luckily that doesn't happen all the time, or with everyone.  Just wanting to spend more time with people who get it, I guess.

Also, I plan on continuing to work on all my mixed thoughts about my relationship with God & His followers :) And as always....working on my self & my lovely array of issues.  Hoping 2017 is a productive year!

Christmas Day

Christmas loot & family

Running in Boulder Canyon

Partially frozen Boulder Creek

Rabbit Mountain Hike

View

Boulder Creek duck friends

Love this wall in Boulder

Church People & Other Musings

Here I sit, thankful for my 2 weeks off.  The three kiddos are outside loving the snow.  I prefer to enjoy it from indoors.  

I keep thinking I really need to go outside & exercise.  I'm trying to convince my brain to go out there & it's not working.  As I was typing this, a die hard cyclist rode by on our snowy street...these crazy people here are still out riding bikes in 7 degrees. They put me to shame!

We've been doing some fun holiday things lately, a few festivities.  Last weekend was Richard's work Christmas party in Denver.  I'm always a little angsty to go to these things.  I picture awkward conversations, possible wardrobe malfunctions...I like to think worse case scenario.  The party was in this really cool warehouse & James Bond themed...pretty fun!  I only started a few awkward conversations which I'd like to blame on the Jack & Coke I was drinking, but I know I would've done it anyway.  First I was talking to Richard's coworker's wife(whom I'd just met earlier & liked) & we were talking about church & she said she isn't going anymore.  I was like, "finally someone gets me here", in my head.  So I launched into my whole bit about how I'm over conservative churches, & how I feel like they think they think they are the chosen group, & you can't be a Christian if you aren't conservative(which I'm not).  I have to laugh now,  because it was only towards the end of the conversation that I realized that what she was saying & what I was saying were two different things.  She was saying that she is having a hard time with the more liberal churches/Christianity & reconciling that with how she grew up.  Anyway, I like her...I think we are all having lunch in a couple weeks.  Later, I found myself in a conversation sharing my secret desire to have been a BMX racer to several of my husband's co-workers.  Anyway, what can I say, I've got to be me :)

Party Pic

We also visited Fort Collins last weekend & got a little shopping in.  I'd like to explore it more, we got there a little late.  It was pretty with all the lights on the trees.

Fort Collins

So yesterday we finally tried another church.  We hadn't gone to one in a couple months & I'm always a little torn on if I actually want to give another a try, or be done with the whole thing.  Actually, it's not even the church that bothers me, because no church is perfect...it's not there to serve me, or meet all of my expectations.  The people are the church, & that's kind of what worries me, the people.  I am okay with messed up people, people that don't have it all together & know it. I am one of those peeps. It's the one's that pretend they are perfect that I don't want to be around.  It's the Christians that spend their time as arm chair missionaries & aren't loving or kind about refugees, or other cultures, or gay people...but have never actually been to another place to see how they live, what their experience is, never actually listened to their life stories.  I'm over the whole thing...people that tell my the way I vote isn't Christian, but then are some of least loving & accepting people themselves.  Anyway, if I admit it, I am hurt & I that's why it bothers me so much & I want to run from it.

So this church yesterday, I don't know if it's for us yet, but I liked the people I met.  The pastor seemed real.  I told him right off the bat that I am burned out from church, he said he gets it, & a lot of the people there were in the same boat.  Also, during the service this beautiful Native American lady stood up & shared her story about going to Standing Rock & bringing supplies & being with all those people peacefully protesting the pipeline that was to go through their land.  I thought it was awesome that the church supported her & another member going there with prayer, & supplies.  I think that is how it should be, we should be caring about people who are being taken advantage of, caring about this earth & the environment.  So I'm trying to be open, & not so jaded about the whole Christianity thing.  I know there people with awesome hearts out there in this world, I just need to find more.

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A few recent doodles with watercolors...

I Guess I'm Thankful?

 Today has been non-eventful & lazy so far. It's the last day of Thanksgiving break before we go back to real life.  This week off we had a couple days early on in the week to visit with our California friends who we miss a lot.  I always think when I spend time with them, that I am lucky.  Lucky to have people I can be myself with, who can handle my weirdness...it's not everybody who can :)

So, Thanksgiving was different this year.  Our first in Colorado.  No driving to anyone's place, or cooking for anyone but us 5.  It was nice & low key, but next year we may need to invite some guests.

The day after Thanksgiving we hung out in Estes Park with Richard's friend's family who invited us to a Christmas Parade there. It's been fun going to new things & maybe starting a few traditions.  Although it was cold as heck waiting for the parade to start, & I was told this was a warm year, so we'll see if this becomes a "thing" for us.

Yesterday, Richard took me to this Indian tea place in Boulder, that I have wanted to go to for years.  It's beautiful inside.  I don't usually take pictures of food, but every now & then I have to.  Oh, & they have also combined two of the best things...herbal tea & alcohol.  When I saw "tea cocktails" on the menu, I knew I had found my place.

All in all, a good week & I even had time to do a little art.

Anyways, you know with Thanksgiving comes some reflection about life & the things we are blessed with.  I am thankful for the people who are in my tribe, that love me for me, & I love them them in all their weirdness too.  I'm grateful that here I am in another state, with my family & new things ahead of me.  Last November, at this time, we had no clue moving was actually in our future.  I guess I am also thankful for the hard junk that is changing me.  It's hard to say that because if I could go back & change a lot of my choices in life, (& other's choice too) I would totally want to.  But since I can't time travel & we don't get do overs, I am going to hope it's all for a reason & be thankful for it all.  That's what I'm telling myself today at least :)

Little Acorn

I haven't written much, or been making art recently because I got a pretty much full time job. Actually all I've managed lately is painting this little lonely acorn.  I am working all day at a school & helping some special needs kids.  So it's the kind of work I like to do.  By the time I walk in the door when I get home, I find myself back at my short order cook job, because my kids are hungry.  Then I usually fit in a half hour of jogging around like a mad women, inside my house(it's cold outside) for exercise.  That's my day.  Good, I have something to fill my hours & make me feel productive, but not much time to create.  I'll get back to it soon. 

On weekends we have been working on this outdoor pet enclosure.  I dream it, & Richard builds it.  I like the way that works :)  It's even going to have a place for my cat Chowder.

Cody at Boulder Reservoir last weekend, I was trying to get a profile of him but this kid is squirrely & I'm lucky I got this.  

The kids at a little park & neighborhood we found in Longmont.  I wish I took more pictures of the houses, it kind of looked like a movie set.

" So Take That", life.

Hello. 

We've been settling more into our new place. Exploring little towns nearby, & finding new hikes. Fall in Colorado is a sea of color.  Reds, oranges, & yellows everywhere I look.  Love it! With this new start here, the one I desired to have a clean slate in, there's been some pain. Some stuff has come up, a lot of stuff un-dealt with. Marriage is hard, life is hard, & sometimes I don't get it at all.  I guess starting somewhere new is never easy, & it doesn't always play out like in your head.  It can still be awesome, just a different awesome than I envisioned.

I don't always handle pain, or stress the right way.  My old go-to remedy is to be self-destructive.  Not good, I know.  So I had a brief relapse of some of my eating issues, but am not going to stay in it.  I don't want to spend my life with my head in a toilet bowl.  So I am fighting the crazy in my head.  The last couple days I've been winning.

Yesterday I was driving around listening to music & thinking.  I was thinking the last few years, I've been getting better at being a truth teller.  What I mean is that I've been speaking my truth about who I am, & my struggles, & my many mistakes.  Not pretending all areas of my life are together.  I think so many people hide.  They don't want to show who they really are, or be vulnerable to others.  It's hard.  I still struggle with the whole thing, but I don't want to pretend at all anymore.  If you don't put your self out there, you aren't real.  I want to be real.  If that means telling people I've struggled with depression a lot of my life, that I have fucked my life up more times than not, & am working through eating disorder issues then thats what it means & I will have handle whatever reaction I get.  Being able to be who I am, & not apologize for it, is more important to me now.  Even if it means risking rejection.  

Stuck

My head is in a sad place today, so I'm trying to trudge through the muck.  You know how you think your life is going pretty good, but then someone drops a little information bomb on your lap, & suddenly you see things in your present & the past with different eyes?  Anyway, without hashing out the whole mess...I'll just say, it sucks, & I'm trying to navigate through.

So with that, & my general melancholy, I feel a little bit like I don't want to pursue anything right now.  Like I'm in mud or quicksand & don't know how to pull my feet out, & which way to go.  I was possibly going to look for a job out here, in my new digs soon, but I feel the last few days like "what's the point"?  I'm back in a place where I have to figure shit out in my life again, find a purpose.

Well, that was uplifting. I'm reading that over(which isn't half of what's swimming in my head) & am thinking I sound like a real downer...ha ha. Whatever, just letting some of it trickle to the surface.  I've never been good at being fake.

I scribbled/collaged this girl yesterday.  That's about all I've done creatively lately, I guess it's a start though :)  My list of to-do's this morning are to run on the trail, & then go to the art store, & get some supplies.  I don't want to, I kind of want to mope.  But I know I'll feel better if I get out & do something.

My folks & brother just came to visit for a few days. We took them all over, to Rocky Mountain National Park, to Boulder, & the town of Golden.  Good visit, I think they had fun.

Everyone Is A Twig & Other Revelations

I really love the outdoorsy exercise vibe I feel here in Colorado so far.  I also like that I am far away from the Southern California thing....I have yet to see one set of puffy injected lips.  Ha ha.  I've been getting out on the trails & road a bit, trying to work my lungs back up just to be able to run a few miles without huffing & puffing.  I didn't think I would feel the elevation like I do.  

Anyway, but the people who exercise here, are SO into exercise. Most of them seem to be training for triathlons round the clock.  I've heard this area is somewhat of a mecca for training...seems to be true.  But I am always me, can't escape it.  Out on the trails looking at everyone whizzing by me with their 3% body fat.  Me running, wheezing, & feeling my stomach jiggle. Telling myself not to compare, because I know it robs every bit of my joy.  

What do I do with these feelings?  I was thinking the other day that growing up(yes, I know I'm in my 40's), aging & liking myself, & accepting my body are my battle.  Sometimes it seems like every minute of every day, I am fighting the old self destructive thoughts.  But some days are better, I am able to show myself some grace. Anyway, will shift gears now, before I go down a rabbit hole.

We have been painting constantly, in the house.  The interior was painted every color under the sun. While I admire the previous owners for being ballsy with their color choices, I'm not sure if I need to have my entire living room Peacock Blue.  Oh, & the joys of buying an older house...we have asbestos in our ceiling downstairs which apparently requires the full monty in eradication methods(not to mention the 8K). We have been debating what to do with that whole mess. The current thought is to leave the popcorn ceiling, save the money...hey we all lived with it in the 70's. So a lot of projects inside have kept me from setting up my art space yet.  I unpacked & hung up a couple of my paintings on the weekend, I think I will go at it full force when some of these other house things we need to get done are checked off the list. Then I will feel more settled & into setting up my creative space.

Boulder Reservoir(like the sock choice?)