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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

41 to 65

Latest obsession, my hands & how they've morphed from looking like they belong to someone in her early 40's to retirement home lady, almost overnight (oh & the eyelids are going too).

When I look at my hands, when I'm using them to work or write, & they look so much different now, all my little fears & bad thoughts pop up in my head about getting older. I have to push them down, & tell myself not to obsess on it. I know it comes off as vain or ridiculous to let these things that are natural, like aging, have so much power over me, but I don't know how to stop the thoughts. I wish I could make them go away.

This is going to be a battle for me, because I feel like I'm already struggling with it a lot in my head, & quite honestly I don't look forward to the future.  Most of my life, I had no value for myself.  I didn't think I mattered. The thing I learned to value was looking good(or trying to). It was never about feeling good.  It was about people thinking I was pretty, even though I've never really felt it.

So if that is all you think you are good for, & all you think most other people liked you for, losing that is so scary.  I am honestly so jacked up in this little head of mine.  I've got all these things swirling around constantly, the old eating disorder thoughts are always still there, but just as I think I've got a handle on them somewhat, this crazy getting older thing brings a whole set of new things to pick myself apart about.

The part I really hate, is that I spend so much time in the present thinking about how I wish I was 10 years younger, that I am wasting this time where I am right now in life.  

Anyway, a few thoughts on things I am continually trying to work on here in crazy-land, & I'm thinking I may just have to start wearing gloves...even indoors :)

Speaking of hands(lame segue, I know) these are some things I've made with mine in the past couple of weeks....

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