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Sunday, February 15, 2015

Heart of Hearts

They say if something is in your heart to do, & it keeps spinning around in your head, that's your thing.  Go with it, follow it, that's your passion.  I know making art makes me happy & saves my soul. But I have this crazy idea to write, & it won't go away even when I try to stuff it down & squelch the whole idea.  I feel like there is a story inside that wants to make it's way out, but I don't know if I am there yet.  I don't know if I have what it takes, & I don't know if I can bare it all quite yet as a writer needs to.

Typing my scattered thoughts here has helped me a lot in the past few years though.  I've evolved.  I notice looking back at this blog, that I used to always try to tie things up in a neat little package when I wrote something, or if I touched on something that hurt or maybe even really crushed me, I was quick to throw out some simple little singsongy antidote to the whole thing.  Kind of annoying & not so much like real life, at least not mine.

I've always worried about setting a bad example, & not being a light to others if I was real.  Because who I am is pretty flawed.  The message I took with me growing up was if you are struggling with things, you aren't praying enough, you aren't trusting God enough. Basically it's you & you aren't doing something right.  I'm here to say, (& I'm picturing myself shouting this from a mountain top) that I pretty much think that's bullshit.

I've met so many incredibly awesome hearts over the last few years that are open & real, & jacked up in their own ways, as we all are.  I'm thankful for that & for acceptance from people who belong to that clan & know it.  Who can relate because they know they are way off the mark when it comes to perfection.  I think that's helped me to let myself be more okay with who I am.

Also, this aging thing has one good care less what people think.  I've always tried to march to the beat of my own drum, but I pretended that I didn't care what people thought as I was marching.  In truth I cared a whole heck of a lot.  I'm getting somewhat better about putting things out there in this world & not second guessing myself now, not worrying about how this person's going to take it or that, & not beating myself up if I didn't come out sounding like little "Susie Christian".  That's progress in my book :)

So I guess all this will help me to be more brave in my writing endeavors, that's what I'm thinking. To let it flow & not to over analyze & sanitize the heck out of it. Some things are rough around the edges, & there is beauty in that.  If there is a story to tell in me,  I think it will keep pounding at me until I do something about it.  I'm hoping I will be at a place where I'm free & completely ready.


Below is my first attempt at making something with paper clay.  It's a little bit more of a sloppy mess than working with the polymer clay I usually work with.  The process takes longer because I need to wait for the piece to air dry, & big pieces take some time versus my usual clay that I just pop in the oven & bake.  The thing I like about paper clay so far though is that it seems stronger than my regular  clay, & you can make bigger art pieces & they aren't super heavy.  Nice to have something lighter.  Oh, & you can add wet clay to already dried pieces if you have something you want to add on.  Anyway,  I'm looking forward to working with it more.

A Valentine's Pic
Chocolate fondue
Entertainment courtesy of Chowder
My Valentine's date

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