They say if something is in your heart to do, & it keeps spinning around in your head, that's your thing. Go with it, follow it, that's your passion. I know making art makes me happy & saves my soul. But I have this crazy idea to write, & it won't go away even when I try to stuff it down & squelch the whole idea. I feel like there is a story inside that wants to make it's way out, but I don't know if I am there yet. I don't know if I have what it takes, & I don't know if I can bare it all quite yet as a writer needs to.
Typing my scattered thoughts here has helped me a lot in the past few years though. I've evolved. I notice looking back at this blog, that I used to always try to tie things up in a neat little package when I wrote something, or if I touched on something that hurt or maybe even really crushed me, I was quick to throw out some simple little singsongy antidote to the whole thing. Kind of annoying & not so much like real life, at least not mine.
I've always worried about setting a bad example, & not being a light to others if I was real. Because who I am is pretty flawed. The message I took with me growing up was if you are struggling with things, you aren't praying enough, you aren't trusting God enough. Basically it's you & you aren't doing something right. I'm here to say, (& I'm picturing myself shouting this from a mountain top) that I pretty much think that's bullshit.
I've met so many incredibly awesome hearts over the last few years that are open & real, & jacked up in their own ways, as we all are. I'm thankful for that & for acceptance from people who belong to that clan & know it. Who can relate because they know they are way off the mark when it comes to perfection. I think that's helped me to let myself be more okay with who I am.
Also, this aging thing has one good advantage....you care less what people think. I've always tried to march to the beat of my own drum, but I pretended that I didn't care what people thought as I was marching. In truth I cared a whole heck of a lot. I'm getting somewhat better about putting things out there in this world & not second guessing myself now, not worrying about how this person's going to take it or that, & not beating myself up if I didn't come out sounding like little "Susie Christian". That's progress in my book :)
So I guess all this will help me to be more brave in my writing endeavors, that's what I'm thinking. To let it flow & not to over analyze & sanitize the heck out of it. Some things are rough around the edges, & there is beauty in that. If there is a story to tell in me, I think it will keep pounding at me until I do something about it. I'm hoping I will be at a place where I'm free & completely ready.
Below is my first attempt at making something with paper clay. It's a little bit more of a sloppy mess than working with the polymer clay I usually work with. The process takes longer because I need to wait for the piece to air dry, & big pieces take some time versus my usual clay that I just pop in the oven & bake. The thing I like about paper clay so far though is that it seems stronger than my regular clay, & you can make bigger art pieces & they aren't super heavy. Nice to have something lighter. Oh, & you can add wet clay to already dried pieces if you have something you want to add on. Anyway, I'm looking forward to working with it more.
|A Valentine's Pic|
|Entertainment courtesy of Chowder|
|My Valentine's date|