" So Take That", life.

Hello. 

We've been settling more into our new place. Exploring little towns nearby, & finding new hikes. Fall in Colorado is a sea of color.  Reds, oranges, & yellows everywhere I look.  Love it! With this new start here, the one I desired to have a clean slate in, there's been some pain. Some stuff has come up, a lot of stuff un-dealt with. Marriage is hard, life is hard, & sometimes I don't get it at all.  I guess starting somewhere new is never easy, & it doesn't always play out like in your head.  It can still be awesome, just a different awesome than I envisioned.

I don't always handle pain, or stress the right way.  My old go-to remedy is to be self-destructive.  Not good, I know.  So I had a brief relapse of some of my eating issues, but am not going to stay in it.  I don't want to spend my life with my head in a toilet bowl.  So I am fighting the crazy in my head.  The last couple days I've been winning.

Yesterday I was driving around listening to music & thinking.  I was thinking the last few years, I've been getting better at being a truth teller.  What I mean is that I've been speaking my truth about who I am, & my struggles, & my many mistakes.  Not pretending all areas of my life are together.  I think so many people hide.  They don't want to show who they really are, or be vulnerable to others.  It's hard.  I still struggle with the whole thing, but I don't want to pretend at all anymore.  If you don't put your self out there, you aren't real.  I want to be real.  If that means telling people I've struggled with depression a lot of my life, that I have fucked my life up more times than not, & am working through eating disorder issues then thats what it means & I will have handle whatever reaction I get.  Being able to be who I am, & not apologize for it, is more important to me now.  Even if it means risking rejection.  

Stuck

My head is in a sad place today, so I'm trying to trudge through the muck.  You know how you think your life is going pretty good, but then someone drops a little information bomb on your lap, & suddenly you see things in your present & the past with different eyes?  Anyway, without hashing out the whole mess...I'll just say, it sucks, & I'm trying to navigate through.

So with that, & my general melancholy, I feel a little bit like I don't want to pursue anything right now.  Like I'm in mud or quicksand & don't know how to pull my feet out, & which way to go.  I was possibly going to look for a job out here, in my new digs soon, but I feel the last few days like "what's the point"?  I'm back in a place where I have to figure shit out in my life again, find a purpose.

Well, that was uplifting. I'm reading that over(which isn't half of what's swimming in my head) & am thinking I sound like a real downer...ha ha. Whatever, just letting some of it trickle to the surface.  I've never been good at being fake.

I scribbled/collaged this girl yesterday.  That's about all I've done creatively lately, I guess it's a start though :)  My list of to-do's this morning are to run on the trail, & then go to the art store, & get some supplies.  I don't want to, I kind of want to mope.  But I know I'll feel better if I get out & do something.

My folks & brother just came to visit for a few days. We took them all over, to Rocky Mountain National Park, to Boulder, & the town of Golden.  Good visit, I think they had fun.